When Aliens Arrive, These 15 Celebrities Will Negotiate Peace and Save the World
“You got one opportunity to save Earth, would you capture it, or just let it slip?” – Marshall Mathers.
So you have one negotiating session to save all of mankind. Will you let Elon Musk bogart the gig, or will you let more qualified candidates take a swing? If any of these 17 A-list negotiators decline the offer to negotiate interspecies peace, then you can take a crack at it, Musky.
1. Paul Rudd
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Name an actor more likable, more un-blow-up-able than Paul Rudd. That’s exactly the vibe we need to project as we try to convince a galaxy-traveling hostile life form to spare us.
2. Keanu Reeves
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When negotiating with aliens, why not send a guy who emerged from The Matrix? Considering that Keanu may be an alien himself, he should be able to speak the language. One…deliberate…word…at…a…time. And if negotiations fall flat, hopefully, the K-Man will go all John Wick on their intergalactic behinds.
3. David Attenborough
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David Attenborough once said, “It seems to me that the natural world is the greatest source of excitement, the greatest source of visual beauty, the greatest source of intellectual interest. It is the greatest source of so much in life that makes life worth living.”
If that’s how he feels about leaves and birds, Sir David’s going to flip when he sees the aliens. But as long as he negotiates as well as he narrates a lion-gazelle chase, the human race is in good vocal cords—um, hands. I meant hands.
4. Judge Judy
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After starting the negotiations with “you are one stupid alien,” Judge Judy ordered the alien to put some pants on, move out of their parents’ planet, and pay restitution for all the fuss before buggering off to another planet.
5. Danny DeVito
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Would alien-human negotiations led by Danny DeVito go our way? Probably not. Would alien-human negotiations led by Danny DeVito be hilarious to see on Fox News or CNN? You bet your cheeks it would.
6. Weird Al Yankovic
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Once Weird Al performs Amish Paradise, Albuquerque, and The Saga Begins live for a captive alien audience, they’ll have no choice but to regard us as a fellow intelligent life form and spare the planet.
And, if the aliens don’t get Weird Al, it never would have worked out between us anyway. They can go ahead and vaporize Earth at that point.
7. Dolly Parton
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If Dolly’s Southern accent and radiant personality don’t convince the aliens to leave us be, let’s hope she can at least distract them while the Space Force launches its offensive. If only Dolly had something to distract them with…
8. Carl Sagan
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Though he’s no longer with us, Carl Sagan dedicated much of his scientific life to extraterrestrials. If he were alive and didn’t let him seek peace with the little green men, it would be like asking peak Michael Jordan to sit out the Olympics. If you have a Sagan when the aliens arrive, use your Sagan. Don’t overthink it.
9. Brian Cox
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He can even go to the Mothership in character as Logan Ryan, flying in a black helicopter with an entourage in tow. All Logan Roy does is win, so why would a negotiation with E.T. go any differently?
10. Mr. Rogers
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“Hey, Walt Disney, can we borrow your reanimation machine for a sec? We need to revive Mr. Rogers to negotiate peace with the space invaders. He’s going to ask the Martian if it wants to be neighbors.”
11. George Carlin
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By the time Carlin finished explaining Earth to the aliens, there would be no question that the human race was a self-interested, Machiavellian, base people, none of whom are worth saving. It’d be hilarious, though.
12. Jack Black
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“Skeee-gee-geee-ga-dooo” – Jack Black’s opening argument in the Trial to Save Earth.
13. LeVar Burton
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Actor LeVar Burton played Geordi La Forge in Star Trek: The Next Generation, so he’s as qualified as the next guy to lead settlement talks with some aliens. Burton also produced a documentary called The Science of Peace, which means we must send ole Geordi as man’s representative when negotiation time comes.
14. Robin Williams
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Who better to take on an extraterrestrial foe than Mork from Ork? Even if he weren’t in character, an hour of Robin’s standup would leave the aliens wondering: a) what in the world just happened, and b) if they really want to pick a fight with a species with that much energy.
15. A Dog
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Let’s face it, any of these humans would end up psyching themselves out, overthinking it, and fumbling the human race into inevitable obliteration. Let’s send the dog and hope for the best. Not my dog, though. She’s not getting probed on my watch.
Source: Reddit.
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